Anxiety and depression. Big words, big feelings. I would imagine that they feel different to each person who suffers from them. I’d like to explain here how to they make me feel.
Anxiety is more than a worry, more than being afraid. It’s a constant feeling of terror. It sits in your chest like a black ball of fear, a physical feeling, that at times, literally takes your breath away. For me, it starts with a feeling, something, not sure what, but something, bad is going to happen. Something really bad. The feeling builds in my chest, a bigger and bigger ball, it feels like it’s going to burst out of my mouth. It’s black, and for some reason, spikey.
This feeling can last for a few hours, days, weeks even. Eventually, with medication it will disperse, or, more often, something bad does happen, and I feel I can breathe again. This bad thing could be a split teabag, or something actually serious, but until it happens and I can rationalise the feeling, then I am living in fear. I am edgy, jumpy, paranoid, unable rest or sleep.
Some days the feeling is there as soon as I wake. Sometimes it will be triggered. For me the biggest trigger is magpies. Writing it down makes it sound more crazy, but seeing a single magpie can send me into a pit of horror for weeks. Seeing 2 magpies allows me to relax for the day. Provides a sense of security.
Depression comes on a regular basis. It’s always there in the background, but sometimes it comes to the forefront and begins to take over me until I am no longer me. I am a shadow of me. There are times I can carry on as normal, a blackness to my features, a slowness to my actions. Depression feels like a weight upon me, pulling me down, stopping me being able to move. It’s not about feeling sad, or down, or blue. It’s about feeling nothing. Numbness. It’s like it’s pointless being here. There is no pleasure in anything. No joy in the world. I feel detached from everyone and everything, as if I am invisible, going through the physical motions of a life someone else is living. There is no trigger. It’s not brought on by events past or present.
Often I try to fight it, I try to provide myself with positive images, I count my blessings, I concentrate on my work. Truly, the only thing that brings relief is sleep. In sleep I am nothing, I am not being, I am not expected to feel.
Lately, I’ve been finding I roll with it, I let the depression wash over me, I sleep a lot. Although this brings a brief respite, it soon becomes a pattern that the depression seems to feed on. I force myself to get out of bed, to shower, to dress. To get fresh air. Eventually, the feelings start to return. I start to come back to me. To feel like a person instead of a floating entity.
These mental health problems can strike anyone, anytime. I am lucky to have a network of friends and family, and a loving and understanding husband. They don’t judge, they don’t laugh, they don’t force the issue. They recognise the signs and use distraction techniques, time and love to get me through each period of uncertainty. Without them I think the ball of fear would have taken over and pushed me to the edge of mental clarity.
Wife without a clue! 